Bad gifts are anathema to holiday joy-seekers. Face it. What you knew when you were a kid holds true now: The gift counts. Nothing says, “I don’t love you!” whether you’re 9 or 999, like a lousy brown-bag lunch from mom, or a bad gift. This card played the part of an enfant terrible and told this awkward, materialistic truth . . . in so many words!

(Design: Mike Joyce)

Meat communicates all sorts of nifty things, but does it say “warmth?” Does it speak with charity, grace, and good cheer? . . . Hmmmm? Gotta go with “yes” on those points, especially given the voice of Spike TV (rebranded as Paramount Network in ’18), which reflected a regular Joe (male) audience. Meat represents sustenance — plus, Lanfair thought it was pretty darn funny. The card was actually a steak-shaped notepad that came in the same Styrofoam-and-hermetically-sealed packaging that real meat was packed in.

(Design: Shelly Fukushima)

Logo, a new Viacom network for the LGBT audience, wanted a card that showed it had a sense of humor about itself, a chance to own its own shadow! This was Logo’s first holiday card since its launch, and was sent to the network’s B2B clients.

This was a lackadaisical lollygag into the realm of greeting cards. Shouldn’t there be cards that celebrate life’s unsung moments? . . . Finding a lost work ID, copping an empty elevator — Lanfair believed life’s simple victories must be commemorated before they deliquesce.

(Illustration: Regina Heinlein)

COPY (ILLUSTRATED ON CARD):

CONGRATULATIONS ON GETTING AN EMPTY ELEVATOR!

It’s a small fist-pumping victory. And we high-five you on your accomplishment. This morning the metal cocoon zoomed you all the way to your floor without one ignoramus sticking a limb in the door. Bravo! May rose petals fall at your feet.

(Illustration: Regina Heinlein)

COPY (ILLUSTRATED ON CARD):

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

Wahoo! Wednesday is cause for applause. Find your closest coworkers nestled in their cubicles and curtsey — or smack their humps. You can almost feel the burnt aroma of another weekend approaching.

(Illustration: Regina Heinlein)

COPY (ILLUSTRATED ON CARD):

THINKING OF YOU (AND YOUR STAPLER)!

Like a walleyed stepchild crying because he’s too old to ride in a stroller — your stapler needs loving attention. Give it a sweet embrace. After all, the special bond that’s forged by pounding a piece of office equipment daily with your fist should never be broken.

(Illustration: Regina Heinlein)

COPY (ILLUSTRATED ON CARD):

WE’RE SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOST ID

Know that we too feel the deep sting of regret that a lost ID can bring — but stop this absurd gnashing of teeth. Do not wear black, or bite the skin off your pinky so that it resembles corned beef. Perhaps your ID has gone to a better place — or maybe you just forgot it in the egg holder of your fridge.

(Illustration: Regina Heinlein)

This card for The N network (think: a channel for tweens) had a jaunty holiday vibe and used the cards’ “hangtag” theme as a messaging vehicle aimed at the execs receiving it.

Lanfair wrote this congrats ad in the style of a music review; it ran in a program guide for UJA-Federation of New York’s “New York’s Music Visionary of the Year Award Luncheon,” which honored Amy Doyle (EVP of Music and Talent for MTV) and Rick Krim (EVP of Talent and Music Programming for VH1).

This ad aped the design and layout of the classic “TV Guide” magazines . . . to think . . . People once used these printed magazines to see what shows were on various stations — the way people once used phone books to see who lived at what address! (“Damn you, Internet — and the technological evolution you wreaked. Damn your eyes!)

(Design: Shelly Fukushima)

Here was a clothing company that asked for an ad that would appeal to a fringe consumer. Request granted.

Here’s a strange fish for the puzzle dolphins: the American Marketing Association (AMA) didn’t quite know how to market itself — the American MARKETING Association! Can you say “ironic”? Not many professionals were aware of its industry sourcebook — The GreenBook. This situation demanded an awareness campaign. Through a series of ads that posed an interesting hypothetical research question and a tagline that offered a solution, the campaign positioned The GreenBook as an easy, authoritative tool with a key emotional benefit: Essentially, if you “turned green,” you could avoid the frustration of turning red.

(Design: Edward Rupp)

The crux was this: How do you say, “MTV, you rule!” in a sophisticated way? It was a unique and strident challenge, since this was a high-profile ad honoring one of Sony Music’s most influential partners. The concept hatched out of exaggerating how MTV has shaped perception and culture: Forget about B.C. (or the more PC — B.C.E.) and move over A.D.! What if MTV became the third marker of time? The idea was absurd, yet strangely credible. The execution demanded something as minimal and powerful as the concept: calligraphy and nothing more. One side note: The client almost put the kibosh on the ad at the last minute because she didn’t fully get the concept until Lanfair suggested putting periods between the “MTV” to reconcile the matter and make it match the other abbreviations.

(Design: Ria Shibayama)

You wake up with ideas. Chapfallen, you stare out the window; on the other side are the ideas staring back at you. You stumble down the stairs and worry about a bill that came in the mail — gently, the ideas are there (AGAIN) waiting their turn to enter your mind and speak to you. So, you let them in. You think, “OK, it doesn’t make much sense, but let’s give these a shot because they’ve been persistent.” You give them a shot, even though you (mistakenly) think it may have been done before, even though it may not fit . . . because you trust your gut. Because usually your gut leads to success. That’s the way it was with some of these ads.

Mary-Ellis Bunim was one of the creators of MTV’s “The Real World.” She was a pioneering force in exposing mass audiences to gay and lesbian characters, and, in so doing, she helped the cause of egalitarianism. For this Lambda Legal congratulatory ad that honored her, Lanfair used a familiar, almost banal icon — HIS and HER towels. But by reconfiguring the order, visually, something new was suggested: a future where diverse sexuality could coexist naturally.

Pro-social ads (especially for grave causes) often add up to a Charles-Blondin-Niagara-Falls-tightrope act. Why? Well, this particular ad ran in the Neil Bogart Memorial Fund journal given out at a gala that supported children’s cancer and AIDS research. The pitfalls are obvious: You can’t be humorous, glib, or too clever (without being callous); you can’t be morbid or saccharine either; therefore, there’s a tight parameter to work within, where you try to strike the balance between doing something compelling and also doing something apropos. Lanfair thought that creating a kid’s list of favorite things topped by the honorees’ names felt right. It focused on the goal of this organization, which was to restore healthy, carefree lives to children. The ad was quirky and positive; it also handled a sensitive topic in a novel way.

(Design: Shelly Fukushima)

Tapping into the idea of translation, Lanfair alluded to the connection between music and language. The copy also pointed at how appealing certain (musical) accents were, and how poignant certain interpretations could be.

This was Jeff Beck’s first release after a hiatus. The album’s title conjured up what 8th grade bullies say as they choke two weeks’ worth of overdue milk money from their feeble victims: “You Had It Coming” also alluded to the food service industry. By combining these two ideas in the form of a simple menu, Lanfair was able to sell fans on a delicious, three-course guitar beat-down.

A fun promotion with MTV and Pilot Pen — this was a fairly straightforward magazine ad. Lanfair wanted to convey the gist of the contest in a succinct way while projecting the smart-ass MTV attitude.

The client wanted a series of clever ads that would position MTV Networks as a company whose corporate culture fostered diversity. Lanfair wrote this offbeat series, which ran in various publications and journals.

(The first ad was a nod to old-school hip-hop artist Public Enemy, specifically that clock-wearing curiosity known as “Flavor Flav.”)

MTV Networks’ Content Distribution and Marketing division needed to tackle the huge challenge of launching a 360-degree ad campaign that would show its partners and the industry at-large that the company was a music innovator whose brands collectively hit the sweet spot of the broadest range of music entertainment lovers. The copy in these print ads was lyrical; the photography had a distinct editorial voice; the message — something central to MTVN — painted a powerful emotional portrait of how its must-have brands created an immersive, authentic musical experience that connected consumers to what they love, and connected distributors to consumers for robust business growth.

A spoof of the iconic TV series “Mad Men.”

Every year “Hits” (a music industry publication) put out a year-end issue inviting record companies and the record industry to take potshots at the magazine itself. It was an opportunity to unleash your best zingers. This ad pointed out that the ridiculous expenditures of the military in the late 1980s might actually have been smarter than Epic’s 2001 purchase of a "Hits" ad.

(Design: Steve Byram)

Celebrity couple names were in the air. Lanfair invented the new “it” couple: “SPOXY” (Spike TV + Oxygen Network), writing the evite as if it were a tawdry gossip rag that exploited their exploits.

(Design: Ayla Nucum)

This concept sprung out of something the client said in a conference call — that they wanted this party to appeal to “the most dangerous guy in the world.” This party, after all, offered closure on a weeklong pitch process: Spike had invited industry professionals to pitch reality-themed concepts for new programming to its network producers. Nothing is more harrowing than a pitch to sell a new TV show, so this evite attempted to evoke that feeling as well as indicate that guests were in for a wild party.

The Music Meter was created by MTV Digital. It was an app that functioned as a customizable experience where users could rank artists based on social buzz; they could also listen to song samples, and read articles and biographies about their favorite performers. This launch party was for industry movers and shakers. Lanfair collaborated with the designer on a concept that attempted to define the vibe of the party by using musical genres as a lexicon to reflect how diverse, eclectic, and dialed-in the brand was.

(Design: Anthony Carlucci)

In 2017, the biggest boner in Oscar history occurred on (live) TV: someone screwed up and handed presenter Warren Beatty the wrong envelope, which was supposed to contain the winner for Best Picture. And his co-presenter, Faye Dunaway, announced it: “La La Land.” Unfortunately, s/he — and the Oscars — got it wrong: The real Best Picture winner was “Moonlight.” “La La Lanfair” saw a delicious opportunity to take the Oscars down a few pegs, while simultaneously elevating the MTV Movie & TV Awards brand.

(Design: Adam Mendala)

Affiliate Sales and Marketing (which later changed its name to Content Distribution and Marketing) for MTV Networks and BET Networks required a series of brochures with dynamic branded content. Each brochure warranted a slightly different focus and slant, but still needed to project the same look and feel. These executions illustrated powerful points about the breadth and strength of the company in an effective way.

This was a catalog of Sony PlayStation’s offerings. The object of this piece was to explain the nuts and bolts of each game in an entertaining fashion.

The MTV Networks Upfront was a business forum where the advertising community gathered to learn about the branding and marketing muscle behind all of MTV Networks’ brands and platforms. This event was imbued with top-notch creativity, entertainment, and star-power: Channel heads talked about the value of individual programming and platforms; celebrities like Jon Stewart, Jessica Simpson, Goldie Hawn, Halle Berry, Muhammad Ali, and more endorsed different shows and channels; artists like the Black Eyed Peas, Fleetwood Mac, Alicia Keys, and Willie Nelson performed live. The entire two-hour show was used to wow its audience and convince media buyers and advertisers to do business with this worldwide media powerhouse. Lanfair was responsible for ensuring that the invites and collateral for these events (over the years) did the following: 1. Established a succinct theme that would hook media buyers. 2. Conveyed the energy, pizzazz, and soft-sell business message that represented what the Upfront was all about.

(Design: Mike Joyce)

(Design: Brett Bastas and Rob Cerrato)

The arena of contract renewals is analogous to a divorce proceeding — things can get ugly in a hurry during this contentious and precarious negotiation period. Every few years, Viacom had to renegotiate its contracts with the cable companies that carried its channels. This particular year, it was with DirecTV. The department responsible for those negotiations — Content Distribution and Marketing (CD&M) — had to have a plan B in case they couldn’t reach a deal. CD&M worked months in advance to devise a campaign that would inform and educate viewers as to why their cable company was yanking Viacom’s channels. Lanfair mapped the creative strategy and wrote the copy for this entire campaign. Essentially, he put himself inside the head of consumers and empathized with their bewilderment and anger over losing a popular entertainment source. The strategy relied on using Viacom’s characters — whom viewers identified with and loved — to vent (in the character’s voice) how frustrated these characters felt at being yanked from viewers’ lives. The campaign rolled out digitally in the form of banner ads, a microsite with a phone app that allowed users to call DirecTV, viral videos, TV spots, print ads, and more. Of course, negotiations were finalized at the 11th hour, and this campaign never ran!

(Design: Shelly Fukushima)

Rufus was MTV Networks’ employee intranet — a portal to get information, download forms, and stay abreast of the many facets of the company. The problem was that the actual site was slow, cumbersome, and difficult to navigate, which spelled little to no traffic. The client needed to build awareness and, ultimately, increase its website hits. Lanfair conceived of an image campaign that was sparked by the intranet’s moniker — “Rufus” — which also happened to be the name of a late ’70s funk band fronted by Chaka Khan, who had a hit with “Tell Me Something Good.” Coincidence? Lanfair took it as a sign to run with the idea of “ghetto-fabulousness.” He worked with a designer (Bjorn) to create a series of posters that were stylized interpretations of street culture: sneakers on telephone wires, bling-bling, pimped-out nails. Dave and Bjorn wanted the campaign to have a fashion edge, so they hired Wendy Idele to shoot everything. The client rolled out four posters (one every month identifying key site benefits) as well as launched with an elevator wrap at the company’s Times Square headquarters. The concept for the wrap involved creating a conceptual illusion: Whenever the elevator doors opened, it was as if the guy on the doors was removing his fur coat to reveal what was underneath — in this case, a branding message on a poster that was plastered on the elevator’s back wall. The campaign created a huge buzz and successfully rebranded Rufus, spiking the number of hits to 2,333, which was three times more than the previous year’s weekly average.

(Design: Bjorn Ramberg)

(Design: Bjorn Ramberg)

(Design: Bjorn Ramberg)

(Design: Bjorn Ramberg)

Viacom’s Legal department needed to communicate the parameters and ramifications of the company’s records management policy. Lanfair worked on the team that took Legal’s dry, verbose, enervating material and gave it some energy and attitude by creating a training platform that combined VO (in case people didn’t want to read), interactive quizzes (required to ensure proficiency), and animated vignettes for spice (these animated scenarios also illustrated common records management blunders and how to avoid them). Lanfair also contributed to establishing the look and feel of the site, editing Legal’s legalese, and writing the entire script for the series.

The MTV Movie Awards positioned itself as a doppelgänger of traditional awards shows — e.g., the Academy Awards. Whereas at “that other awards show,” Oscars were handed out for “Best Picture” and “Best Director,” at the MTV Movie Awards, metallic popcorn statues were handed out for “Best Villain” and “Best Kiss.” These offbeat categories inspired Lanfair to create a book of short lyrical musings where the awards category became the title of the story. The program guide was designed to have a special edition, art book look.

(Design: Johan Vipper)

COPY: (INSIDE SPREAD)

“Breakthrough Performance”
1. “Have you ever been in love before?” The question felt like a slow toggle-switch-electric death. Sadness. Because the answer to the question walked so slow. And then the sudden awareness of nothing but desire.

2. Their actions crystallized a language within me, a sapient language with words that sounded like slugs dropped in a burnt cardboard box.

For this invite, Lanfair went off on a tangent. He pretended to be a fictitious social anthropologist named Dr. Wolfgang Heinzelman, who was essentially a fly on the wall at the VMA post-show party. In fact, Wolfgang deluded himself into thinking that he would someday receive the Nobel Prize for these invaluable ruminations on human behavior. The invite took the form of Dr. Heinzelman’s journal, replete with scatterbrained observations, nonsensical diagrams, and an ingenious, personal method for anesthetizing cockroaches.

(Design: Christopher Davis)

COPY: (BACK COVER)

I am a spec, a crack in the mortar, a free-flowing particle in a world not my own. Sweat like a bee-sting swells my eyes. Yet this is my duty as a spy for the scientific community — to observe these modern primitives in their concrete oasis.

This was a unique project: MTV wanted packaging that captured the essence of what it called “spoken music” — a CD compilation of “spoken-word” artists. In Lanfair’s mind, he wanted the words and the imagery — but particularly the words — to have dimensionality, which is why the copy was embossed.

(Design: Christopher Davis)

COPY: (EMBOSSED ON COVER)

Air, as expelled from the lungs, is then forced up the throat to the larynx. Sound is produced when this air vibrates a pair of vocal cords, or more precisely — vocal folds. The lips, tongue and jaw work in unison to modify and manipulate this sound into intelligible words. Words, once spoken, cease to be invisible and are, instead, ostensibly extant, real. Plummeting from the mouth in concentric waves, words penetrate flesh, penetrate mind — probing obscure niches in search of fathomable tasks: Words kill. Words heal. Words create. Words destroy. Words construct with beehive-like precision their prescribed destiny; i.e., if one said, “I want to be so strong that nothing can hurt me.” then it shall come to pass. For it is said, “By your words you are condemned and by your words you are justified.”

This is a good example of finding the right concept and allowing it to write itself. (Unfortunately, the concept got the munchies while it was writing itself and T&E-d a lot of chimichangas — but that’s neither here nor there.)

Some people think of sports as ritualized violence. For Lanfair, this event seemed SURREAL — the merging of two similarly odd worlds to support one great cause. He latched onto the idea of surrealism, and translated it into a flipbook. When thumbed through, the image changes from a ball player swinging a bat to a rocker swinging a guitar.

COPY:

So there you are warming up a pine bench. Up in the sky — clouds so deliciously, so marshmallowy fat, you want to sandwich them between two slices of bread and eat it for lunch. Today everything screams seven shades of weirdness. Noise from the crowd ping-pongs in your head and this thought hits you like a charley horse: Where the hell am I? REMEMBER: EVERY DAY ABOVE GROUND IS A GOOD DAY!

(Design: Danielle Fanelli)

(Design: Jessica Cabato)

(Design: Jessica Cabato)

(Design: Jessica Cabato)

The theme had already been established for Spike TV’s VGAs — Russian Constructivism à la Rodchenko. The client wanted a postcard that was to be inserted into a stencil kit. Lanfair felt the postcard should not only give (cheeky) directions on how to apply the stencil, but also reflect the revolutionary mindset of a video game player — hence the pseudo manifesto.

COPY:

Manifesto

Fellow Gamers,

Fear not your analog past — the game is on and the revolution will be televised, digitized, fantasized and miniaturized. As hand-eye tsars and joystick jockeys, you must move swiftly to mobilize and globalize gaming. It is only with the sweet fruit of evolution — the opposable thumb — that you can use this stencil kit to transform every wall in your path into a declaration of free gaming expression.

Always an important event for Viacom’s international business, MIPCOM offered access to the global entertainment content market. With an understanding that English was a second language for many of these attendees, Lanfair distilled the messaging down to a very pithy idea, one of total immersion and exploration.

(Design: Shelly Fukushima)

It was no laughing matter devising all the print creative for the UJA-Federation’s roast of Larry Divney, the former CEO of Comedy Central. The UJA (United Jewish Appeal) was a somewhat staid organization. Comedy Central, of course, was not. In fact, it could have been considered the antithesis of the UJA. Their partnership on this roast was similar to the episode of “Seinfeld” where George was in dire straights because the areas of his life he wanted to keep separate kept colliding. Regardless, Lanfair utilized the philosophy that what cracked us up when we were nine was still humorous today. It’s easy, then, to see how he landed on the theme of “It’s always funny . . . until someone loses an eye.” Luckily, Larry felt the same way.

Originally the client just wanted its logo on the premium, as many clients do. Lanfair convinced the client that this was an opportunity to be funny. COPY: Backwash not included.

The client wanted a low-end premium; typically it’s something for field reps to give to their affiliates to promote either the brand at-large or a particular show. Lanfair tossed around a lot of ideas: a fake shark fin that you could strap on and terrify beach bums; a switchblade comb that alluded to the “I want my two dollars!” scene in “Better Off Dead”; and a garment bag — nay, body bag — that was branded for its cop series, “Reno 911!” Ultimately, the client went with a bumper sticker. Lanfair looked at the challenge of creating a bumper sticker and said, “drats!” Next he asked, “How do we flip this on its ear?” In a word: “Braille.” Is the joke crass, insensitive? Perhaps. But he wanted to further Comedy Central’s brand identity as an equal opportunity offender who never minces, and lets everyone know that there are no sacred cows: Humor can get to anyone, anytime, anywhere.

(Design: Mike Joyce)

The watch took two years to develop: the line on the box took two days to write. It features instructions on how to tell time. Go figure!

Lanfair decided that fortune cookies would offer a great opportunity to write cheeky bon mots that expressed the attitude of a bawdy new talk show on Comedy Central.

“Where’s the copy?” you ask. Like the first “m” in “mnemonic,” sometimes a copywriter’s language contributions are silent, and his visual direction takes the driver’s seat — like in this daredevil-inspired series.

Snappy must-have items for consumers require copy that communicates the same sentiment.

Get Schooled was an initiative that was co-founded by Viacom and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation in 2010. It focused on trying to reverse the dismal state of the public education system in the U.S. (where one out of every three high school students dropped out) by using media, technology, and popular culture to engage and inspire young people to improve high school graduation rates and empower them to go to, and succeed in, college. Lanfair was part of a vast team that carved out the design identity of Get Schooled and rolled out a panoply of elements: BRANDED BUS & TOUR: In 2010, the GS team incentivized schools by creating the Get Schooled National Challenge & Tour. The tour traveled via branded bus; organized youth summits with students; and drove to public rallies, college fairs, farmers markets, and malls to spread the message and rally participants. Celebrities were on board at the events and helped get attendees excited; these celebs included MTV host Sway Calloway, hip-hop artists like Common and Nicki Minaj, actors like Christian Slater, and more. The tour succeeded in reaching over 16,000 live audience members (across bus “stops” and youth summits) and over 200,000 students, parents, and teachers made an online pledge to focus on high school completion and college readiness. OTHER ELEMENTS: The launch of Get Schooled was also supported by a website that housed crucial resources and information, as well as the Step Up campaign, which encouraged students to make personal (video) commitments to achieving specific goals. DIGITAL/SOCIAL MEDIA: In the summer of 2011, Get Schooled teamed up with AT&T to engage over 350,000 people by having students submit their education goals. Students who submitted goals were selected at random to personally text with a celebrity (Malin Akerman, Monica, AnnaSophia Robb and Trey Songz). Based on the success of this program and the need to further motivate students during the 2011–2012 school year, Get Schooled started a Wake-Up Call campaign that had students sign up for morning wake-up calls from celebrities (e.g., Victoria Justice, Wiz Khalifa, Nicki Minaj, Trey Songz, Greyson Chance, Ciara, Jesse McCartney, Sway Calloway and more). OVERALL RESULTS OF THE CAMPAIGNS: Get Schooled ENGAGED more than one million young people in 2010–11 (the years Lanfair worked on the campaign), and saw attendance improve in schools within the Get Schooled network — including a 7% jump in attendance at the school that won Get Schooled’s Get Motivated Challenge in the spring of 2011.

(Design: Casey Stock)

Every winter, a cadre of buyers gathered for Toy Fair at the Toy Center on 23rd Street in NYC. Tiger wanted an umbrella tagline that would position itself as a forward-thinking,
technology-embracing toy company. Not only did Tiger use this line for booth signage, but also for an entire building wrap.

Lanfair worked closely over several months with two Israeli startups (Kineto Media; HIRO Media) who were launching video-ad networks — penning all the copy for their websites.

Lanfair teamed up with Brooklyn-based art ninjas Morning Breath to devise a series of posters and wall art that would communicate the humorous and left-of-center, creative ethos of Velocity, Viacom’s in-house content creation and integrated marketing group. Lanfair’s conceit involved bastardizing marketing, advertising, TV programming, and office lingo to arrive at hilarious new mumbo-jumbo that was surreal and funny. Morning Breath used the phraseology as a springboard to generate images in their distinctive visual style, incorporating the language organically into the art. Examples of Neologisms: long-tail chutzpah; infinite distance; lip sinkhole; ad eunuchs; big swingin’ ideas; poppa wheelhouse; zero disco; BBW (big beautiful words); reel-time astronaut; cultural brain freeze; engage the cheesesteak-holders; never-been-fun before; sort of like the wink in a baby unicorn’s eye; social super tsars; faster than the speed of WTF; democratization of street meet; targeted telepathy; platform déjà vu; olly olly oxen free — callin’ all culture creators; simon says release the falcons . . . and big ideas; user-generated doppelgänger.

(Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

(Copy: David Lanfair; Illustration: Morning Breath)

A junior designer (Nicole Ruggiero) had an idea that she wanted to sell to upper management — establishing a speaker series at Viacom. Anyone who’s worked at a corporation knows that getting any idea funded that has no tangible ROI, or contribution to a corporation’s profit margin, can be a tough sell. With very little input (other than a few vague thoughts), Lanfair developed the persuasive messaging — a cogent pitch document — that helped articulate the value and benefit to Viacom’s culture that a speaker series would entail. The story Lanfair crafted made the decision a no-brainer, made the speaker series a reality, and ultimately made the corporate culture richer.

(Design: Nicole Ruggiero)

(Design: Danielle Fanelli)

CONCEPT: PLAY UP THE INTEGRAL COMPONENTS OF A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE — THE CHIPS & DOUGH — BUT DRAMATIZE THE RELATIONSHIP IN A FUNNY, “SUPERHUMAN” WAY.

The spot or campaign would be about two anti-superheroes who unite to make metropolis a better, safer, and tastier place.

Comedy Central comics (like Key & Peele) would have alter egos named “Chip & Dough.” They transform into these quirky superheroes when they eat a bag of Nestlé Toll House Morsels.

One superhero is outfitted to look like a giant mound of raw cookie dough, and the other to look like a giant chocolate morsel. The spot would be a montage of them in action set to a rockin’ theme song that told the story of “How Chip & Dough Got Baked!” We’d see them in action that varied from them thwarting bad guys (classic high jinks), to helping old ladies cross the street, to being the center of attention at a party, to bringing cookies to cheer up kids in a hospital.

Also: viewers could follow the hilarious adventures of Chip & Dough via original mini webisodes that played on Viacom’s sites; or we’d create complete, funny episodes detailing the adventures of Chip & Dough, but done via Twitter.

(Character design: Rob Cerrato)

Lanfair didn’t sleep on the opportunity to reference a line from Alec’s iconic diatribe in Mamet’s film Glengarry Glen Ross!

Ah, a true early 1990s musical fav! Some downtown rock hipsters thought of this band as pure bunk. Lanfair disagreed. Sometimes the joie de vivre that radiates from doing something you love — with the intent of ars gratia artis (“art for art’s sake”) — is enough. Plus, the lead singer/bassist, Kerri Kenney (a key performer on MTV’s “The State” and Comedy Central’s “Reno 911!”), really floated his boat.

Lanfair wanted to expose the inchoate fashion talent of Christian Francis Roth. At the time, grunge — thanks to Nirvana — had started to infiltrate the fashion realm. Years later, Christian Francis Roth switched to creating sleek designer sunglasses. Sidebar: Julianne, the model in the article, was once the roommate of the bass player in Lanfair’s (now defunct) band. You might recognize her from her roles in “Tully”; “Flannel Pajamas”; “Law and Order: Criminal Intent”; and “I, Tonya.”

Spencer Tunick — famous for staging and photographing nude crowds of 4,000-plus people in public places — did the shoot.

“Dirt” magazine — the short-lived brother of “Sassy” magazine — was intended for testosterone-fueled youth. It was also the handiwork of Spike Jonze (director of “Adaptation”; “Being John Malkovich”; “Where the Wild Things Are”) and Andy J. There was a section in the magazine that featured atypical reviews (things like diseases and road kill). For this issue, Lanfair tackled the glorious functionality of the potato.

See . . . this was a crazy idea Dave cooked up: He fabricated a story of a (nonexistent) Japanese sneaker manufacturer, named “HOBBLEDEHOY” who would eventually go bankrupt in its fruitless quest to bring to market a doomed sneaker (a lowrider-goth hybrid) for the goth-Latino market.

Next, Lanfair farted around for weeks trying to pin down the exact look-and-feel of what was in his head. Then, he drew 21 bad sketches. Finally, Lanfair scrawled out a rough design that communicated his vision for a “Frankensneaker” — enough so that a 3D artist, whom Lanfair collaborated with, could render it.

The result: “Air Lanfair” — forevermore!

“So money!” Check it. (Or don’t, because we only accept CASH in these parts!)

Listen: Lanfair digs the U.S. sitcom Seinfeld. Really! And he kept wondering: if only I could construct a “Seinfeldian reality” from the ashes of our current one — what would pass as “a store of value, as money” in that reality? ( Well, obviously, some form of Seinfeld currency.)

Duh!

After this epiphany, it was off to the races (sans bets) to try to figure out how he could make Seinfeld-themed cash its own reality, and this entailed working out every aspect of what the Seinfeld currency should consist of — then (ironically) spending a lot of money hiring a few people to make this fake money . . .“money!”

The process unfolded like origami:

1. Dave made quick work of his back catalog of Seinfeld seasons, watching episodes for inspiration of what should be depicted on this currency — deciding on what every element should consist of, and translating jokes into the visual language of paper money.

2. He reached the conclusion that the only person who could pull this project off would have to be an actual designer at the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing (whose job title is “Journeyman”). Lanfair did research and found The Guy. The One who — like — redesigned the 2013 U.S. $100 bill. And then he pitched his out-there plan. (The kooky kids in corporate America would call his noodling “The Big Idea.”)

“Listen,” said Lanfair, “I want to see if you’d be interested in creating currency based on the world of Seinfeld.” That was the extent of the pitch. No way did Lanfair think this project would actually fly! (Well, maybe.)

But with a single, “That seems fun! . . . But, no.” Dave’s implausible idea sprouted turbo pixie wings, took off, and careened into the side of a mountain like the jet on that (Steve Byram-designed) album cover for the Beastie Boys’ Licensed to Ill.

3. Next, Lanfair found (not “The Guy”) (but “The Dude”) — a perfect illustrator (or so he thought) out in California . . . but his final portraits just didn’t cut it.

4. So, Lanfair had to hire a second illustrator across the pond named Dave Hopkins to . . . (you’ve gotta imagine a 1930s-style Edward G. Robinson gangster accent for this next bit) “pull this job off without a hitch, see!”

5. After several months, once Dave had the finished illustrations — the portraits of Elaine, Jerry, Kramer, and George; the icons on the bill like Costanza’s plyometric training shoe; Seinfeld’s Pez dispenser; Benes’ Schnapps bottle; etc. — he handed them off to a German graphic designer, who did the final layouts of the bills, merging all the art with Dave’s “curated” text and jokes to craft the finished “Seinfeld currency.” Now, you can literally laugh all the way to the bank (or banknote).

Ghost in the (Sewing) Machine

Lanfair saw a gaping hole — a consumer wound, if you will — in the fashion world. There was an underserved (often undead) market: Monsters.

Don’t the ugly, the grotesque, the bizarre, the monstrous, and the mutant deserve a brand that caters to their specific needs, with passion and panache? (Can we get a hellacious “yes!”?)

And, so, Lanfair launched “Monster Chux,” a fashion brand (and site) for style-starved vampires, zombies, witches, trolls, ghosts, ghouls, pixies, werewolves and other creatures — from the mystical to the mundane.

Some people dream in color. Lanfair dreams in T-shirts. Here are a few taken off his back:

What do you get when you take Hollywood (or Bollywood) scriptwriting format, and twist its scrawny arms (like a balloon animal) until it screams, handing over its cache of weird, abstract, funny stories — gee, maybe some Lanfair microfiction?

What do you get when you take Hollywood (or Bollywood) scriptwriting format, and twist its scrawny arms (like a balloon animal) until it screams, handing over its cache of weird, abstract, funny stories — then you hire a professional voiceover artist to read and record one of these short-short stories that you penned — in order for a Malaysian 3D artist to finally take this VO recording and animate it?

You get a 32-second eye-candy ear-dandy (Lanfair) thingy that “you people” really must see.

It’s an animated Lanfair story. Watch it. Sheesh! (This one’s called “God’s Boombox.”)

(Lanfair’s License to Thrill)

From the gallbladder that brought you “Air Lanfair,” a “Goth-Latino Frankensneaker,” comes a new disasterpiece in horror . . . “The Rise of the Anti-Horror Hero!”

Let’s dissect this puppy for you:

Dave was sick to death of all these slash-em-and-leave-em horror fiends on the silver screen. So, he said: “What if we reconstructed classic horror movies — just a tad? What would happen?”

A beautiful mess — like succubus succotash — that’s what! And, so, Lanfair decided to mangle the titles of three horror movie franchises for comic effect:

I Spit on Your Grave; HENRY: Portrait of a Serial Killer; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre . . .

Then, he found a brilliant graphic novel illustrator based in Bulgaria to bring this mess to life. With visual direction from Dave, he illustrated the titles and characters and gave Lanfair’s funny concepts some artistic flesh and bone.

The skinny: glimpse a series of FAKE FUNNY BOOKS that will never get published for which Lanfair hired designers to actually render/execute the madness!

(Time to Bust a CAPpella in Their Ass!)

Pain point: Dave Lanfair’s (upstairs) neighbors were born with a genetic mutation that gave them cement blocks for feet.

Low point: “Clomp, clomp, CLOMP” was their daily theme song that worked Dave’s nerves all wrong.

Boiling point: after years of suffering their DEAF metal solos on his eardrums, Lanfair decided to write down all that irked him about this snafu — and then hire a Brooklyn-based a cappella outfit (Backtrack Vocals) to put his pain into an original song and video: Call it “a poison-pen letter in 4-part harmony (mit dem beatbox).”

High point: Bob Dylan sang about knockin’ on heaven’s door. But this ditty is more about stomp, stomp, stompin’ on heaven’s floor! Listen to their collaboration in pain. Lanfair dubs the track “Straight Outta CLOMPTON!” (aka The Ceiling Murderers).

[lyrics]

Straight outta Clompton
(Straight outta Clompton)
You’re stomp, stomp, stompin’
(You're stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stompin’!)

The fa-mi-ly
With cinder-block feet (have been)
Killin' me loudly / with their sound

You been playing (that)
D-E-A-F, that “Deaf Metal” on my eardrums
And I’m Sick / and / tired of this,
Turn down the LOUD, make a monk damn PROUD (that)

D-E-A-F, that “Deaf Metal” on my eardrums
Bada-bing / bada-bang / bada boom-boom-boom
I’m sick and tired of working in my room

If “silence is golden”. . . shower me!